Sometimes Writing Is Depressing

So here's the thing. I love to write. I've loved writing since I was 11 years old. Back when I was not really getting any criticism, I loved it even more. I could do no wrong in my eyes; I read back over my old work and felt like I was the best writer around.

But then.

After the constructive criticism from my two best friends, I'm second guessing everything.

Phrases that I over-used, pacing, dialogue, everything. I don't quite want to say that I'm doubting myself, but I think that I am. I suppose that my concern shows how much I care about my dream profession, but this is a new feeling that I'm not used to.

Thankfully I have a strong support system, but I'm beyond stressing myself out.

It's so hard finding that balance of being confident and yet smart about your writing. Yes, be confident that you're a good writer and you know what you're doing, but don't get to the point where you can't take criticism and realize that you can almost always find something to improve. It's hard.

I also decided that I wasn't going to set any hard writing goals this year, since they tend to make me rush through and miss things. The only exception I made was to write at least a paragraph every day, and I'm proud that I've stuck to it thus far. Even if what I write is crap, it forces me to be dedicated to my work; because, hey, this is what I want to do for a living. I should take it just as seriously as I take my day job now.

The manuscript I "finished" last year has been sitting unopened for a few months. I just can't seem to find the pieces I need to make improvements to it, and it's honestly kinda frustrating. Luckily, I've been making progress on rewrites for "General Leila," so I haven't been totally unproductive. I'm constantly finding things that I wonder why I missed before, and taking things out that I'm really trying to figure out why I included them in the first place. I feel like I'm definitely growing as a writer so far, so I'll take it.

One of my best friends reminded me that it took Lin Manuel Miranda (one of my role models) ten years to get Hamilton to the stage. I told him that I understood what he was trying to do, but that analogy made me really depressed. I'm really trying to become well-known long before that point!

I'm making steps in the right direction, though. Continuously reading, doing exercises, and above all, writing, will help me to improve my craft to the point where I can confidently submit my work to publishers and feel like I've given them the best that I could. I will continue to fight off the discouragement and push for my dreams.

After all, nothing worth having is easy.

“You don’t start out writing good stuff. You start out writing crap and thinking it’s good stuff, and then gradually you get better at it.

That’s why I say one of the most valuable traits is persistence.”

― Octavia E. Butler