Sometimes Writing Is Depressing

So here's the thing. I love to write. I've loved writing since I was 11 years old. Back when I was not really getting any criticism, I loved it even more. I could do no wrong in my eyes; I read back over my old work and felt like I was the best writer around.

But then.

After the constructive criticism from my two best friends, I'm second guessing everything.

Phrases that I over-used, pacing, dialogue, everything. I don't quite want to say that I'm doubting myself, but I think that I am. I suppose that my concern shows how much I care about my dream profession, but this is a new feeling that I'm not used to.

Thankfully I have a strong support system, but I'm beyond stressing myself out.

It's so hard finding that balance of being confident and yet smart about your writing. Yes, be confident that you're a good writer and you know what you're doing, but don't get to the point where you can't take criticism and realize that you can almost always find something to improve. It's hard.

I also decided that I wasn't going to set any hard writing goals this year, since they tend to make me rush through and miss things. The only exception I made was to write at least a paragraph every day, and I'm proud that I've stuck to it thus far. Even if what I write is crap, it forces me to be dedicated to my work; because, hey, this is what I want to do for a living. I should take it just as seriously as I take my day job now.

The manuscript I "finished" last year has been sitting unopened for a few months. I just can't seem to find the pieces I need to make improvements to it, and it's honestly kinda frustrating. Luckily, I've been making progress on rewrites for "General Leila," so I haven't been totally unproductive. I'm constantly finding things that I wonder why I missed before, and taking things out that I'm really trying to figure out why I included them in the first place. I feel like I'm definitely growing as a writer so far, so I'll take it.

One of my best friends reminded me that it took Lin Manuel Miranda (one of my role models) ten years to get Hamilton to the stage. I told him that I understood what he was trying to do, but that analogy made me really depressed. I'm really trying to become well-known long before that point!

I'm making steps in the right direction, though. Continuously reading, doing exercises, and above all, writing, will help me to improve my craft to the point where I can confidently submit my work to publishers and feel like I've given them the best that I could. I will continue to fight off the discouragement and push for my dreams.

After all, nothing worth having is easy.

“You don’t start out writing good stuff. You start out writing crap and thinking it’s good stuff, and then gradually you get better at it.

That’s why I say one of the most valuable traits is persistence.”

― Octavia E. Butler

Do Actions Speak Louder than Words?

Normally right now I'd be about forty minutes deep into the reading block with my class. Since we have a snow day, however, I'm typing in my pajamas.

Over the weekend, I've been watching parts of a very popular docu-series. The emotions from the people were powerful, and I found myself being fascinated by their body language.

I'll explain.

One of the faults that was found in my writing is that I have a very limited way of showing how characters react to things. The amount of times that I wrote "glanced" in both of my works in progress makes me cringe in hindsight. So instead of using that word, I'm forcing myself to use a combination of stronger dialogue to convey what people are feeling and a more varied vocabulary. To the second point, I've been paying closer attention to people.

A writer should have many methods for improving their craft, but people watching is arguably one of the most important. The characters that we write need to be relatable to our readers, whether they be everyday people or aliens from another planet. That relatability is what draws your reader in and makes them care about the characters and what happens to them. If you can figure out how to describe your characters' reactions in a natural way, your reader might think of how they or someone in their life would react the same way.

But anyway, back to the docu-series.


There was a myriad of body language in the show. People showing guilt, pain, sadness, devastation, disbelief, deception, and more. Though their words were powerful, their body language added another layer of depth. I thought to myself, how can I utilize this in my writing?

In discussing this docu-series with a co-worker, we talked about how the social-cultural climate surrounding the people in the documentary must have influenced how people reacted to what was going on and are still reacting to it today. I realized that this was something else that I needed to think about, which would add another layer to my writing.

Before I started re-writes on "General Leila," I created character sketches for each of my characters. This is allowing me to get a better sense of who the characters are and how they would react to things. Adding in the social-cultural climate also helps me to frame them better; a highly trained General wouldn't react to a crisis in the same way that a civilian would. Things like this will help to fix some of the more grievous errors that were prevalent in my work.

That, and putting "glanced" onto my "do not use" word list.



“Be sure not to discuss your hero's state of mind. Make it clear from his actions."

(Letter to Alexander Chekhov, May 10, 1886)” 
― Anton Chekhov

Support System

You have no idea how much support means, not just to writers, but to anyone who has a dream.

But support doesn't always look the same.

One of the things that I've come to accept about myself is that I do not take criticism well. Like, I want to ball up and cry and never do whatever it was that I was criticized for ever again. Even though I've known it for a long time, I think the latter part of 2018 really made me face the music in a way that I'd refused to do before.

For years, most of the feedback that I got about my writing was from my family. My brother is notoriously short in his answers; about the most I would get from him was, "I like it."

My parents did what parents are supposed to, telling me how great I was and how proud of me they were.

I asked my BFF to read my work and help me to edit it when I decided to self-publish my first book "General Leila." She has a tendency to be brutally honest, but I didn't listen to all of her feedback since I was in such a rush to finish. As a result, errors were made (both simple spelling errors and more complicated issues with plot and character development).

It was such an amazing feeling holding the proof copy in my hands. Finally, my dream was coming true!

It didn't sell so well.

I chalked it up to the fact that I know nothing about marketing, and teaching made it rather hard to focus on anything else. But then, about a year after it was published, my other best friend decided to put it on his syllabus for his freshman college class. Sensibly, he started reading it before teaching (don't fault him for not reading it sooner; my preferred writing genres are not his preferred reading genres). The feedback he gave me shook me badly.

I don't know how I ended up with two best friends who are as blunt as hammers; the two of them together pointing out all of the errors in "General Leila" really made me feel about an inch tall. I was forced to listen to the original feedback my BFF had given me, as well as the added feedback from my other best friend. I felt like if my writing was this bad, then maybe I should just give up on my dreams. I quickly removed it from sale as soon as his class was over (they had much of the same criticisms) and put away both it and my work in progress. I didn't want to look at a word document ever again, and I just felt defeated.

But.

Remember what I said about support?

My other best friend asked, "Was it really that bad?"

I explained to him that I knew of my difficulty in accepting criticism, and I was trying to deal with it rationally, but I felt injured. I told him that all of their combined feedback made me feel like my writing was garbage.

He gently reminded me that they didn't give me the feedback to break me down; rather, they knew the potential that I have to be great and they wanted me to put my best work out there. They would be with me every step of the way, providing feedback and challenges to help me to broaden my writing repertoire. (This comment was followed swiftly by a text of support from my BFF.)

So far I've re-written about a chapter and a half of "General Leila," and I'm doing the background work on my work in progress to really make it solid. I've started doing writing exercises and I make it a point to write something every day. Has it been easy? Don't make me laugh.

But you know what this experience reminded me? With those two, my writing career has the best support system a girl could ask for. Sure, getting feedback can be hard. (Especially with those two.) However, knowing that those two are going to be brutally honest until they and I feel like it's as good as it can be really helps to keep me going.

So I continue to work, knowing that my support system will never let me down.


"You can do anything as long as you have the passion, the drive, the focus, and the support." Sabrina Bryan

Wait, I Have a Blog?

It seems like every couple of years I think about new writing goals and think "wait, I have a blog? Why haven't I been using this?"

So here I am again, after two years.

So much has happened in my writing journey. I self-published a book, had that book featured as a text in a college course, promptly took the book off of Amazon and began re-writes, wrote a first draft of another story, and am working on revisions for that one. I've been kinda busy.

On top of all this, I moved to a new school, back to 5th grade, am teaching math for the first time ever (not a fan), and moved apartments. Things seem to be going a mile a minute!

I've found that 2018 was a year of writing discovery. I finished the first draft of my WIP (work in progress) in about a year, which was a first. It was also the first manuscript I'd finished since I started college in 2009. I thought I was just the hottest thing smoking, and was so excited to set a deadline to finish edits and rewrites so that I could start the process of submitting to publishers.

But then I got a harsh reality check.

My two best friends started close reading my work and began pointing out plot weaknesses, character weaknesses, cliches, and a host of other things that I in my haste failed to recognize. Some things should have been easy fixes (read: there were typos. Multiple typos.), other things would have taken a little more critical reading. After the feedback from both my friends and the college class that read the first chapters of "General Leila," I was quick to take if off of Amazon. I was embarrassed.

Fun fact about me, I don't take criticism well. I don't know how long this has been a thing, but I know this is one of my flaws. Hearing all of the things that were wrong with both of my manuscripts hurt. Like on a deep, guttural level. I don't have any kids, so my writing is my baby. So hearing that there was so much wrong really set me back. Almost made me want to stop writing.

I told my friends that hearing from both of them at the same time felt like I was getting punched in the face. Being sensitive like this isn't a good thing for someone who wants to be published, I know. I'm working on it. But I'm so grateful to have friends who believe in me enough to tell me the truth. No matter how much I don't want to hear it. One of my friends said, "We'll deal with feelings later." At first I was so mad at him. But after I let things ruminate, I realized that he was right. My feelings can keep me from producing my best work, and that's not going to help me to reach my goal of being a (well-known) published author.

I've started rewrites on "Leila," and I've sent the first chapter to one of my best friends for critiques before I get too far in. I'm leaving the other manuscript alone for a bit while I figure out stronger character motivations and such, though I'll pop in on it every now and then.

I purposefully didn't set any writing resolutions for this new year because setting goals like that causes me to rush, and I'm trying to avoid that. Instead, I'm trying to engage in writing exercises and actually leave my apartment to experience things (you think that it's nothing, but I'm a hard core introvert). Any time that I feel the inspiration, I'll write a note in my phone. Describe scenery, write a conversation, even dramatize thoughts and emotions that I'm dealing with at the moment. I'm doing research on creating worlds and romantic character arcs. My bestie sends me links and books to check out. My other bestie reads and critiques (which you know is a labor of love, because he doesn't really read fiction regularly).

I'm also going to get back to this blog. I'm trying to broaden my writing horizons, so this will be another outlet. I might post short stories or scenes, or my responses to writing prompts. I haven't decided how frequently I'll post either (I'm still a full-time teacher, after all), but I'll figure it out.

2019 will be a year of growth.

“You don’t start out writing good stuff. You start out writing crap and thinking it’s good stuff, and then gradually you get better at it. That’s why I say one of the most valuable traits is persistence.”

― Octavia E. Butler